The Quest

   By Armand Amanieu d'Albret

(Verses narrated by Armand, in his roguish fashion, and the chorus is sung.)

Across this fair land, over meadow and field
There once stood a tavern called "The Sword and the Shield"
The owner, a man who was filled with a dread
His burden in life was to keep dressed and fed
Seven comely daughters, with husbands a-none
Who thought nought of marriage, only having the fun.
There was Odette, Veronique, Minette, Emilie,
Matilda and, of course, Catherine and Cecily.

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
Seven comely daughters for his company
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
His burden so heavy that he could not rest.

He sat in his tavern, his head he would nurse
Seven hungry daughters was hard for his purse.
The answer came to him, so he set a quest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.
He sent out his parchments to all of the realm
To all lonely knights to bring weapon and helm.

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
'I love them,' he said, 'but they will pauper me,'
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

Said Matilda, 'I care not for the size of his spurs.
I want a big castle, with jewels and furs
And servants, one hundred, to bring me my ale.
Can any brave knight be so hearty and hale?'
'Say what you will,' said eloquent Veronique
'But I will make sure that my man is unique!'

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
They harried the maids to make them pretty
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

The men ‘round the campfire did listen with glee
"Come all who have weapons" the scroll did decree
'I will enter,' said Guiraud, caressing his arrow
But the men choked with laughter and said, 'It’s too narrow!'
He looked at them smiling.'You think I’ve no chance?'
And with a devilish grin, he presented his lance.

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
A lance such as this needs no commentary
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

With a roar, Mouse stood and said, 'I need space!
I need plenty of room to swing out my mace.'
He pulled out his weapon. It was big, round and knobbly
And swung it so hard that it made his knees wobbly.
The men watched in anguish, this would be hard to match
But when his ball got going, it was harder to catch!

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
He swung it so hard that it buckled his knees
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

Griffith stood up and tucked into his belt
A weapon so long, admiration was felt
The men watched in awe as he did unsheathe
A sword that’s so perfect, ’twas beyond all belief.
'When I’m in battle, because of its size
If I am thrusting, tears come to my eyes!'

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
The more I am thrusting, the harder I see
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

Armand complained, 'I have but a lyre
And it plays sweet music for a maiden’s desire,'
He revealed his instrument, so that they could see
And they nodded at once, quick to agree.
He plucked it softly with much splendour
With a lyre such as this he would need no defender.

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
A lyre worth plucking, the all did agree
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

But the men were agog, when Gillet, he spoke
'My weapon just fits beneath my huge cloak.
I’ll not show it now, ’tis for my lady to meet
But it starts at my belt and it reaches my feet!'
They nodded in turn, with respect in their eyes
Gillet was tall, perhaps this was wise.

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
I don’t like to boast but it passes my knee
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

Then Gabriel stood, clutching his cleaver
And said, 'If I’m chosen, I vow not to leave her.'
'What makes you so sure, that you will be picked?
Your weapon is only a glorified stick!'
But he answered them softly,'A lady of taste
Will go for the quality – not have the waste!'

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
The value lay not in quantity
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest,
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

Said Simon, 'Men, say what you will,
You play with your weapons, I’ll stick to my quill.
Your weapons are strong but you men are too fickle,
Any lady will tell you, a feather can tickle!
And when this expires, I have plenty more
I just go and visit the chicken next door!'

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
A feather so gentle, will thrill a lady
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

The day did arrive, they all stood in line
Clutching their weapons, the sight was divine.
The daughters, in turn, inspected at leisure
Each glorious tool, held out for her pleasure.
There were all shapes and sizes, and which men would lose?
But finally the father told his daughters to choose.

Gillet spoke out, when it came to his turn.
'If their weapons were snakes, then I have but a worm.'
He threw back his cloak and the girls they did stagger
When they feasted their eyes on his jewel-handled dagger.
It was modest, that’s true, but it was sharp, stout and thick,
Any lady would tell you, it would still do the trick!

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
His jewels were so precious, an antiquity
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

Catherine stepped forward, said, 'Do what you will
But I will be taking the man with the quill.
He wrote me such words, a powerful verse
My choice must be careful for he is my first.'
He jumped up and grabbed her, and ran to the woods
And to his contentment she sampled his goods.

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
They all heard her laughing under the tree
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

Minette stepped forward to the man with the sword,
And said, 'I will take you, if you’ll have me, Milord.
Your sword is so strong, and see how it gleams
This is the weapon to fulfil all my dreams.'
He bent on one knee, 'If you don’t mind
That during the action, I just might go blind!'

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
She said, 'I don’t mind, as long as it’s me.'
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

Veronique stepped forward to the man with the cleaver
And said, 'Milord, I am a believer.
I can see you handle your weapon with care
If I should choose you, do you think we could share?'
'My lady, if you pick me, you can fondle my axe
And you’ll find out how fiercely it slices and hacks!'

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
No words were needed as she sat on his knee
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
The hand of my daughter for the weapon that’s best.

The father sat drinking his freshly brewed mead
Contented he had only four mouths to feed.
'We cannot choose with all those weapons laid bare!'
And Matilda fainted in total despair.

Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dee
Here endeth my tale, I think you’ll agree
Fiddle di, diddle dey do, fiddle di diddle dest
It was a completely ridiculous quest.

by Armand Amanieu-d’Albret – Appears in Book Two - 'The Order of the Lily'

(Although Armand changed the ending for the book!)